Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize