I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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