we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
