I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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