At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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