there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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