He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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