we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
