I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
