Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
