Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
