i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
