I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
