Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
