I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
