FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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