Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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