Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Text me some of your sweat
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