haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
