Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
