we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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