I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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