The maid of honor just puked.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
