It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
