Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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