i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
