I think I died a long time ago.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
