my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize