you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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