I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize