you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
