the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
