Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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