Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize