Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
