So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
