We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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