God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
