Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
