: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
