he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
well you can't waste a boner
false alarm. still invincible.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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