I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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