i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
