It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
