1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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