I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
