Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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