If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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