There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i came on her dog
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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