Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
