this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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