Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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