we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
