I'm gonna have a badass scar
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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