I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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