I hate your face
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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