Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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