1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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