non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
