if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
