I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
