I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
