I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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