can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
