my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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